There Oughtta Be A Law

Apr 08

Dear Reader:

These scientific “laws” (some of them mere theories but who are we to quibble) came to me via email, probably forwarded by some guy named Murphy. I’ve added a few comments of my own, so they are now Fortunato’s Laws.

There’ll be a short quiz next week, so pay attention:

Woman_in_BathtubDisplacement of Water
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

I take baths rather than showers and have learned to bring the phone with me. I’m afraid I may drop it into the water someday and destroy the phone or electrocute myself. But I never miss a call.

Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach you have to get to it.

Variation: You’re getting your hair colored and the itch is on your head. If you scratch it, you’ll get dye all over your hands. If you don’t, you’ll go crazy. I have resorted to grabbing the rat-tail comb from the colorist and using the pointy end. It works, but from the stunned expression on her face, I have concluded that this maneuver necessitates a bigger tip than usual.

Quantum Mechanics
After your hands become coated with quantities of grease from working on your car, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

I don’t do mechanics, quantum or otherwise. With me, it’s that just that when I’ve slathered heavy moisturizing cream all over my hands and body I remember that I have to get dressed. In that white sweater.

Gravity
Any screw, nut, or bolt, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Ah, yes. But it’s worse when you don’t realize that the screw has fallen, so the knob drops off your dresser, and then it too disappears into the abyss and you find yourself Knobless in Knew York.

Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

I didn’t know you can still get busy tones. Doesn’t everybody have call waiting. Or an iPhone?

Natural Selection
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will naturally move faster than the one you have selected.

The above law also applies to check-out lines at supermarkets. And taxis: once you’ve staked out a corner, stay there, because the minute you move someone else will get your cab.

Statistical Certitude
The chance of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

No! The real disaster is meeting someone you’d like to impress when you’re looking like crap. I guarantee it: If you’re wearing sweats, no makeup and haven’t even run your fingers through your hair, you’ll run into the someone important, who is incredibly well groomed and dressed to the nines.

Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to  . . .

Spy. . . the stupidity of your act.

So true! Why doesn’t anyone ever watch me when I’m doing something smart, like . . . funny, but I can’t think of good example at the moment. But you get my drift.

Survival of the Fittest

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor: by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Worse: You’ve got a cold and have been hacking away for weeks. See the doctor and you won’t cough once. Our family physician once called my husband a “fraud” for doing (or not doing) this. He was joking. I think.

Cosmic Placement
At any sporting or cultural event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They will get up several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and will leave before the event is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end. The aisle people also are very surly.

We have aisle seats at the opera and have neither gangly legs (I’m petite) nor beer bellies (we drink Martinis). But yes, we have to get up constantly to let people in. BUT WHO YOU CALLING SURLY!!??!

Thermodynamics
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold. 

Oh yeah? How do you get a hot cup of coffee in the first place? Please see the link at the end of this article.

The Space Time Continuum
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Totally, 100% true. And the other person will have her stuff spread over the entire room. And take forever to move it out of your way.

Philosophical Relativism
Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

I plead the fifth on this one, and speak for bloggers everywhere.

Supply and Demand
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it,  or the store will stop selling it.

In other words, they will stop supplying whatever you are demanding. I could give you a hundred examples. The most poignant is the disappearance and presumed death of Edy’s Chocolate Mousse Swirl ice cream, which was replaced by plain old nowhere-near-as-creamy chocolate. Oh well, I’m trying to cut back on sweets anyway.

And then, the inevitable warning: 
If you don’t forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

Don’t do it. You have any innie, right, and it’d be hard to screw off. Besides, aren’t you more concerned with the growing size of your butt than its disappearance?

That would be Fortunato’s Law of Cosmic Expansion.

Yours in scientific truth,
Pat

See The Coffee Pot From Hell for more of Fortunato’s Laws.

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