THE WEINER DID IT!

Jun 07

AnthonyWeiner

I tried not to touch The Anthony Weiner Story. I really didn’t want to go there. But it was too hard to resist.

What’s a blogger to do? There are three double entendres in the opening paragraph, and I wasn’t even trying.

Ho, Boy, Has This Guy Weiner Got Problems

Not even Weiner’s friend, the brilliant Jon Stewart, could keep his hands off. Jon ran a clip of Anthony (Tony?), during a speech to his congressional colleagues before the Twitter story broke:

“I do the Weiner jokes around here. Who is John Boehner kidding? Who am I, Anthony WAY-ner. I’m serious, brother, just embrace it.”

Stewart called it a Moment of Zen.

I call it prophetic.

I also wonder why no one picked up on the “Tony (as in stylish) Weiner” angle. I mean, the guy seemed to be a class act in other respects.

In fact, at a 4th of July party complete with hot dogs and er, pickles, which could therefore be called a Weiner Roast, we were discussing local politicians and many of us chose Weiner as our favorite. Someone said that he was on the right side of all the issues.

JonStewart_WienerThe right side, eh? Jon Stewart says:  “In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more ‘Anthony’ and a lot less ‘Weiner.’ … The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!”

Awful puns aside (whichever side), the story really grabbed us because of the cringe-inducing way Weiner mishandled it, leaving himself hanging in the wind, so to speak. . .

When first questioned, he sounded cranky (I’m resisting the urge to say crotchety), then he zipped it up and said nothing, then he revealed too much — but not enough. He said that he didn’t send the picture, that it was a hoax, he was pranked, he was punked, the photo was manipulated. Bad choice of words. But he couldn’t say “with certitude” that it was not a photo of him. He has asked a “firm” to look into it. Then he confessed. He acted, in brief, like a dick.

Very uncharacteristic for a savvy, effective politician with 40,000 followers on Twitter, but then, you know men and their junk: very sensitive areas.

Speaking With Certitude

In his final crotch shot,  Jon With-Friends-Like-This Stewart spoke these immortal words:

“I’m not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird’s-eye view.”

Stephen Colbert added his own crack: “I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or ‘Certitude’ is his nickname for his penis.”

Of course, the New York tabloids had a ball with headlines:

WEINER EXPOSED!
WEINER’S PICKLE!
BATTLE OF THE BULGE!

And after he failed to appear at a pro-Israel parade:

HIDE THE WEINER and WEINER IS SHRINKING

After the confession, the headlines shouted:

YEAH, I’M A SCHUCK! and THE NAKED TRUTH

WEINERGATE kept getting bigger and bigger. . ,

Mike Lupica of the Daily News wrote, “If you find yourself in a situation where Wolf Blitzer is asking you on television if you know your own underpants, your life has taken a wrong turn.”Ya think?

Before the confession, Bill Maher, who never minces words, said, “Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He’s asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he’s got a dick lawyer he’s hired. They know it is a Democrat’s penis because it won’t stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman.”

“Wait Wait . . .Don’t Tell Me” on NPR: “Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he’s a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his doctor, with the message, ‘Okay, it’s been four hours, time to get you involved.”

Craig Ferguson spoke for the huddled masses bored out of their gourds in jobs they hate: “This is good news for me because I can Google ‘wiener photos’ at work and not get fired.”

WeinerWifePersonally, I hadn’t believed that Weiner sent the photo to the coed. He’s recently married to a young, good-looking woman, and presumably didn’t need the extra attention. Never underestimate the male libido. Or ego.

No Weiner In the White House

Hell, he won’t even be able to run for mayor. Although his political career may not be over. Politicians have done a lot worse.

Barbara Walters Had A Theory

BarbWaltersBarbara got a rise out of the ladies of the View on Monday: she thought that Weiner sent the photo to his wife, who was off traveling, to show her how much he missed her. Nice theory, Babs! Too bad he confessed.

I still don’t get it. So readers, help me out here.

Does everyone do underwear pictures?
Do you?
Did I not get the memo?
Again?

And call me a romantic, but I wish that Barbara Walters had been right.

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