Shopping Is Not For Sissies

Nov 15

I was waiting on the 9th floor at Saks for Diana, the Shopping Queen. Without her, my quest for a shearling coat would be far more difficult. If not impossible.

As I have mentioned before on this very blog, I am not a good shopper. Too impatient. Easily confused. Stunned by the prices.

And yet.

I wanted that coat. Black, a little dressy so I could wear it in place of the old (and I mean old) mink that sits in the back of my closet, doing, as George Harrison so poingnatly pointed out in As My Guitar Gently weeps, nothing but aging. The replacement also had to be sporty enough to wear everyday. You know. Perfect. Not just a rebound coat.

The young adorable sales clerk, Leah, spotted me and my confusion: I was attempting to text Diana, because the shearlings had been moved from the fur department and 2 and were now with the plain Re[ublican cloth coats on 9. Does that mean they’re politically correct now. Depends on who you talk to. Peta says no. Ralph Lauren says yes. I’m not sure, but I want to be warm this winter. Meanwhile, Diana texted back: I’m on the escalator.

Thank god.

The sales woman (person? Surely not girl? Let’s just call her Leah) asked, perceptively,i= if I helped help, and I told her I was waiting for a friend. Aha, says Leah. That means you’re on a mission.

Well, we were. I won’t bore you with the details, but Diana takes no prisoners, the staff pf the fur/shearline department (more joined us when they saw we were serious) wanted a sale, I liked the 30 per cent off, and so . . .


I’d show you a picture, but as we speak, the sleeves are being shortened by elves who understand how embarrassing it is to have sleeves come down to your knees. This is something like it.s

Meanwhile, I’ll share a song I wrote for my wedding reception four years ago. Four years! Yes, fans, that’s right: we just celebrated an anniversary last week. Anyway, the song is about another, what could have been far more traumatic, shopping event: picking a wedding dress. So not for the fainthearted. Especially since it wasn’t exactly the first time for either a wedding or a dress, and because I was so flummoxed by the whole idea of the wedding, well, here’s what I wrote.

Sung to the tune of Paul Anka’s “Diana”

There was just too much to do
I couldn’t seem to see it through
To buy the dress, the ring, the shoes
I was getting SO CON-FUSED!
The purse, the pearls, the pantyhose,
You can hit it on the nose!

Oh please, shop with me,

Something old and something new,
Something blue — will Lou’s tie do?
He gets dressed with so much ease,
Me, I’m down on both my knees
Praying for a dress that’s cool
A dress to make Luigi drool!

Oh please, shop with me,

I bought a Vogue, I bought an Elle,
But on my own, I looked like hell!
I couldn’t seem to get too far
I had to have that push-up bra!
It turned out great, this outfit’s cute –
Without your help, my birthday suit!

Oh thank god, you shopped with me,

Oh thank god, you shopped with me,

Thanks again, Diana, Leah, the staff of Saks, the alteration eleves. and the Shopping

Mission definitely accomplished.


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